Jealousy/Envy and being creative

Wow, loved the letter to Cary Tennis today, and his response. The title is

"My sister is a famous designer - and I'm not!" subtitled
"I do good work but I fear I'm mediocre and my heart is poisoned with jealousy."

A short summary from the letter:

The problem is the constant sense that I'm just not good enough, not the artist I wanted to be, and not the artist my sister is.

From Cary:

The minute you hear that voice in your head that says you've wasted your life doing mediocre design, stop it. Don't do it. When you start to do it, stop as soon as you realize what you're doing. Say out loud, I am a designer. I am an artist. I make honest work. I make a living at my work! I'm a good designer. I do good work!

Just like you, I fucking beat myself up night and day until I'm black and blue because I'm not the guy who wrote "The Corrections" even though I couldn't even read "The Corrections," and I couldn't even read "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" even though I'd like to be Dave Eggers, and why the fuck would I want to be Dave Eggers? Because I'm a sick fucker, that's why, because I hate myself. And I have to stop doing that. I have to love myself.
I have to love myself because loving myself is the only thing that stands between me and suicide.

I love myself because I have to. I love myself because suicide is not an option. I love myself because other people love me and I've got no right. So I love myself immoderately and without delay. I love myself without recompense, without reason, without state sponsorship or licensing, without writing a proposal first or getting a grant, without getting dressed up first and taking a shower, without calling ahead to find out what time I should love myself, without buying a bottle of wine and some flowers first, without shining my shoes and clipping my nails. I love myself because of you. I love myself because there are people like you and me all over the world beating ourselves up because our sisters made more money, because our sisters are more perfect, because everybody loves our sister better. Jesus, woman! Love yourself! Take the afternoon off. Pick up something you've made that you love and admire it. Spend all day admiring it. Don't criticize it. Don't pick it apart. You made it. You are a creative person. You don't control the market. You don't even control your creativity. It's a gift. Take care of it.

From commenters to the letter:

#1
Welcome to adulthood. As children, we are told we are beautiful, talented, so smart. we are told we can be astronauts, great artists, President! But as life goes on, we find that we can't. Maybe we don't have perfect vision. Maybe we're not schoozing machines and no one would ever give us money, not even our parents. And then, we find out that we can't draw--or worse, we can recognize great art, but though we pursue it like the will-o-the-wisp it is, it slips through our fingers. And that's life.
My brother and I both program. He's a genius at it. I'm merely good enough to make a living. He's worked for prestigious employers and makes lots of money. I could envy his brilliance, hate that his paycheck has another zero more than mine. I could be terribly jealous because he is the programmer I will never be. I'll never have what he has.
I refuse to compare myself to him because it would eat me up inside. He has his strengths and I have mine. If you go through life comparing yourself to other people, you will always find those greater and lesser than yourself. There will always be someone smarter, richer, thinner, better. Good for them! But you can't let it diminish you and your own accomplishments and talents.
So what if you're not the next Vera Wang. So what! Cut yourself a little slack. So what if you are merely functionally talented instead of sublimely talented, look where your hard work and drive have gotten you! How many people would KILL to be YOU and do the work you do every day? Lots of people probably envy you.
You know what my brother envies? My life. My kids, my loving spouse. He envies my writing talent, how handy I am around the house, how I'm a better athlete than he ever could have hoped to be. I'll bet you, if you talked to your sister, you'd find she has the same fears about not being the artist she wishes she was. Despite all the money, all the success, all her talent... she might just be jealous of you. Because like my brother, I bet your sibling sees you in a very different light than you see yourself.

#2
I am reminded of a story about two people at a party discussing a very competitive hedge fund manager on the other side of the room, and one of them mentioned that he made $100 million this year. The other person, a mere financial mortal said, "I have something that he will never have." After a pause, he added, "enough."

#3
According to a biography I read, Humphrey Bogart used to cry (drunkenly) on his birthday because he felt like he wasn't good enough. Someone finally asked him why he felt like such a loser when he had a huge house, a great career, money, kids, and Lauren Bacall. And his reply was, "I expected better from me."

One key moment I got an ah-ha moment with envy was a few years in San Francisco. I was going through a really difficult season and at church that Sunday morning, I had been crying to God and praying in the top balcony "loner" part of my church. I cried a lot during that season, probably everyday. After church I hung out at my two good friends' apt who also happened to be married to each other. They are the easiest married couple to hang out with ever, so chill, and so perfectly matched. We had lunch and sat around talking. As I drove home, I felt such strong envy of them, of their finding each other, being happy. I distinctly remember driving through GG Park and being sad (my general sadness at that time was not related to being single).

After I arrived home, my roommate came home. She shared how she had seen me crying during worship and service, and confessed her envy of my being able to cry so easily. She said she wished she could do that, and pray so freely with tears like that. To meet God in my pain. She was more of a stoic, less-emotion-expressing person. I was touched by her sharing and was struck of how everyone is envious of each other about something. I hadn't seen my tears as such a positive but to her, it was. I took it for granted though crying everyday can be hard to feel is a positive :) But to her, it was. Just like my friends' marriage made me envious but they probably took it for granted, or maybe even only saw the problems.

God, I am grateful for my relationship with You, for hearing and talking with You, for emotions, all my emotions even the ones I wish I didn't have, for fun sunny vacations, for tan lines, for my safe and reliable car that has yet to break down on the Bay Bridge (you heard me, former Jetta!), for adorable cats, warm furry bodies, for Mitch "kissing" me by repeatedly nudging his nose into my chin, for my community, for so many friends and people to share life with, for healing and forgiveness and reconciling and hope, for our freedom, for being a woman, for my ethnicity, for being healthy, for bringing me to the college I hadn't wanted at all but am so glad I went to, for everything You've given, even the hard things I've been through. For everything.

So here's to loving ourselves, having more grace on our mistakes, and being able to see our gifts and talents without criticism. I'll toast to that!

$220,000 fine for illegal downloading

A jury gave a $220,000 fine to a woman for downloading 24 songs.

How was she chosen? How did they come up with $9250 a song? I don't think she'll pay it but I wonder.

Facebook

I go on Facebook only when someone adds me as a friend or sends me a message. A new friend joined so I went on today. I now feeling nostalgic and sending msgs or pokes to like almost everyone in my contact list. A bit overboard.... but hey, I won't be on for another month!

If you're not on Facebook, join and have fun with me :)

Car Shootings on 101

Have you guys seen this article? Three shootings from cars to other cars on 101 since Sunday. One man died near Burlingame, one wounded in SF, and one wounded in San Jose.

From the SF Chronicle article:

No suspects have been named in any of the three shootings, and witness descriptions of the possible shooters vary.
Burlingame police described the occupants of the three cars near Wilson's Honda at the time of the crash as African American, Tongan or Samoan men in their 20s. The BMW driver described the man who shot him as an African American man in his 30s, the CHP said. San Jose police have not released a description of the shooter in their case.

I wonder if they are related shootings.

Luv me some books

I love books. I love bookstores and looking at my Amazon online wishlist bc it's full of booksbooksbooks. I may never buy all of them but I like looking at the covers and imagining the stories within.

Sidenote: I don't like Amazon's new website. Too cutesy and bubbly and whoa too many individual "boxes" of info on the homepage.

Here's the book I'm currently reading at work, during breaks and such. About the working poor in the inner city, the ones who are striving to make ends meet on our country's miserable minimum wage, working the jobs most of us see as teenage positions not careers. Good book but sad because it was written in the mid-90's and not much has changed for the better.

Police negligence

The fact that the police did not search for two bodies after a car flipped over fifteen times is much more important than the fact that the club owner disputes the time the guys said they left the club. Why is that emphasized? Who hasn't left a restaurant or party and hung out in the parking lot, talking with friends, for awhile? Who cares if they left thirty or sixty minutes earlier? And they weren't drinking but so what if they had? The accident happened because the car blew a tire but if he had crashed because he was drunk, would that have been a good enough reason not to search for the two missing people involved in the crash?

Completely ridiculous. One of the deceased guys dad heard about the accident from the survivors' families and went back to the scene the next morning to FIND HIS SONS BODY. Draped over a tree and nearby was the other guys dead body.

It was four young black guys in the car, two did not survive. Don't even tell me race didn't have anything to do with this, when the police saw who it was.

Bush's quiet veto

It's a sad day for children's health coverage.

Male managers, female workers

Cary Tennis at Salon.com had some good letters he responded to while I was gone. I find this one very interesting. It's written by a man who supervises 15 middle-aged women and he's having a difficult time dealing with their petty arguing, crying, and not liking each other. I like Cary's response which is long but deals with the heart of the matter in an unique manner.

So much to comment on. Men and women just think really differently, in every aspect, and it comes out in work. There are certain things people want out of work (money, power, respect, socialness, team atmosphere, etc) and in general women want certain things more and men want other things more (of course not all women or all men fit this). I've had some pretty bad male managers and looking back, it's because they didn't realize what I really needed out of the job or from them. Sure, I got the work done and came in on time, so to speak, but we were speaking different lanuages. What I said I needed or wanted, they didn't get because to them, those things were not a priority. In general, things that ruin a workplace for a woman can barely come up on the mental scanner of a man. I guess what I'm saying is interpersonal dynamics and people and relationships are huge for women. Respect and titles and seniority are usually huge for men. Not that there aren't awesome women all career gung-ho and only interested in rising to the top (you go!) or caring men that are interested in interpersonal development. But from what I've seen and experienced, those are not the norm.

And to be honest, a lot of women working together can be difficult. Sorry to say but true. Women can be catty and mean and they do subtle but cruel things in the social group to isolate or bully each other. Esp if there's a lead woman who's doing it and letting/nonverbally encouraging others to also. And women see it all happening but men don't have a clue. I bet that is happening for this guy manager. And it wears on you and makes you hate work and want to leave as soon as possible.

To ponder on...

Cruise moments

10 Cruise moments/ah-ha's (not in a top 10 order or anything):

1) Ask me about a few characters from the cruise nicknamed Justin Timberlake/Silk Shirt, My Type, Jaeger, Yellow Bikini/Bartender, Purple Dress, Pink Outfit, and Gross Old Man. Ha ha.

2) I'm still thrown off by the boat's rocking. As I sit in my office, I'm slightly nauseous from my office "swaying." Why doesn't it stay still? And no I have not drunk anything today. I guess I'm just really sensitive to being on a cruise ship. It's all odd to me bc I grew up doing week-long vacations on a houseboat but I don't remember being that affected. I've been told that it takes a day or two to adjust back. Eh. I heard that pirates wore eye patches because you don't get (as) seasick with only one eye open as it involved depth perception. I have been closing an eye here and there today but I think I might actually like a real eye patch.

3) The food was off the hook, better than expected. It was fun to get dressed up and eat fancy meals for free. We ordered half the menu each, almost every time. Lobster and shrimp rock!

4) I took about 5 pics with my ancient digital camera before letting Pin and Esther take the rest. I am very convinced now that I would like a new camera soon.

5) I don't like getting my bed made in hotels/cruises. They made our beds about 4 times a day. Too many times!! Stop touching my bed and clothes!

6) Cabo in 97 degree weather is way too hot for me. But snorkeling was fun.

7) I don't think I'm a cruise person but it was a fun short experiment. I think carved food is gross especially if it's a meat or cheese.

8) Watching drunk people sing karoake is more fun than I thought. Even better if they're good and it's a fun song.

9) Food that is yummy and free is awesome. Esp if there is a 24 hour frozen ice cream machine. There might have been a day where I got 3 or 4 ice cream cones. I love not having to cook or clean up. And live music sung while you're eating a scrumptious cheeseburger you didn't cook or pay for is a good day. A pina colada doesn't hurt either.

10) Esther and Pin are fun travel buddies and it was fun doing silly stuff and adventuring with them. Next time, everyone come :)

Cabo cruise = super fun