"I'm glad you asked. Yes, I was once charged with attempted murder."

I will try to post things that I LOL about. These articles by the columnist Leah Garchik in the SF Chronicle last week during Valentine's Day revealed overheard conversations in the SF area. Seriously lol.

Here is the list over three columns, with my faves in bold (some have been edited out):

-- "I get attractive ... after six drinks." (Woman on the dance floor at office Christmas party, overheard by Mark Larson.)

-- "I'm not a bad guy ... a little creepy maybe, but not a bad guy." (Man to man, overheard walking near the UC Berkeley campus by June Vonich.)

-- "I need to find a boyfriend because I need to argue with somebody." (Woman to woman, overheard on Hayes near Fillmore by Ronn L. Robbins.)

-- "I'm so tired of dating people who don't have decent jobs or career goals or lives, or can put themselves together or even have their own car. From now on, I'm only going out with people who have the 'tions: compensation, transportation, motivation, ambition, attraction." (Woman to man, overheard by Tim Wu.)

-- "If I were a vegetarian, I'd brag about it. I'd probably get laid a lot more often." (Man to man, overheard on Telegraph Avenue by Christina Tuccillo.)

-- "He wants to have kids, so he's going hetero." (Guy on a bicycle to another guy on a bicycle, overheard while leaving AT&T Park by Ricardo Morrissey.)

-- "It's not that that I'm afraid of, but the broken heart afterward." (Woman to companion, overheard at Nordstrom in San Mateo by Sam Ainsworth.)

-- "I'm looking for a green man: high productivity and zero emissions." (Overheard in Macy's in Corte Madera by Jon Dreyer.)

-- "If only I was 20 years younger and lesbian." (Woman speaking about her yoga teacher, overheard by Elaine Geffen.)

-- "Call your wife first. And then call the contortionist." (Fifty-something male to companion, overheard at the ESPN zone for NBA All-Star weekend in Las Vegas by Anthony Passanisi.)

-- "I'm glad you're meeting someone interesting. It must be that new medicine you're on." (Female nurse on cell phone, overheard at Kaiser in San Francisco by Peter Washburn.)

-- "How is it that I get set up on a blind date with the one guy in Santa Cruz that's a Republican?' (Woman on cell phone, overheard on Pacific Avenue in Santa Cruz by Amy Wolitzer.)

-- "Well, he lives in the Lower Haight and works in Marin. He's like a jock-thug-hipster." (Woman on cell phone describing her new love interest, overheard on the 22 Fillmore by Rachel Huysentruyt.)

-- "I'm supposed to meet him here but I can't remember if he's hot. Is he hot?" (Woman on cell phone, overheard on Chestnut Street in the Marina by Mark Pitta.)

-- "I'm not going there to get laid, but I might have to leave early to avoid it." (Self-assured young man to friend, overheard near the UC Berkeley campus by Marilyn Pon.)

-- "I don't know if we'll get along. He's a liberal Democrat and I'm a communist." (Woman at Caffe Trieste, overheard by Donna Bero.)

-- "She'll probably talk about you on her blog tomorrow." (Overheard hiking up the Eagle Peak Trail on Mount Diablo by Mike Palmer.)

-- "I don't see us being a girlfriend-boyfriend thing. I mean, we could be, but it's so obvious to me we won't that I felt I should mention it." (Boy to girl, overheard at Jupiter in Berkeley by Dave Bourdon.)

-- "He can't get totally wasted because he's gotta donate sperm tomorrow." (Young woman to young woman, overheard on the 33 Stanyan by Tom Canaday.)

-- "It's not every day you find yourself dating a bullfighter." (Woman to friend, overheard in front of the Conservatory of Flowers by The Chronicle's Anastasia Hendrix.)

-- "Yes, I told him I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I mean I live in San Francisco, don't I?" (Person on cell phone on Montgomery Street, overheard by N. Stricker.)

-- "The first time she tried to break up with him, they weren't even going together." (Teenage girl to teenage boy, overheard in Alamo Square by Donna Laemmlen.)

-- "I'm glad you asked. Yes, I was once charged with attempted murder." (Couple on what seemed to be first date, overheard at NOPA by B. Stormont.)

-- "So I told him, 'If she's standing close enough to kiss her it means she wants you to.' " (Man to friend, overheard at Pasta Pomodoro on 24th Street by Gerald Nachman.)

-- "Even my hips hurt the next day." (Woman to companions, overheard at Gloria Ferrer Champagne Caves in Sonoma by Leslie McLean.)

-- "So I told him, 'I don't want your phone number! I just want to make out.' " (Young woman on cell phone, overheard at City College in San Francisco by Hallie Strock.)

-- "Barack Obama. We've made it our new safe word." (Woman to woman, overheard at the bar at Cafe Rouge by Desmond Yen.)

-- "Two small regulars." "Regulars?" "Yeah, I have a different lover this morning." (Young man talking with barista, overheard early morning at the French Hotel Cafe in Berkeley by Robin May.)

-- "I had to get a king-size bed. I'm dating a couple." (Customer overheard at White Horse Bar in Oakland by J.T.G.)

In the February of a relationship, buds form on its trees and tender love seems to flourish:

-- "Remember the first time we kissed?" "Oh, yeah. Was I wearing my white top or my green one?" (Teenage couple, overheard walking on Fourth Street in San Rafael by Patti Brennan.)

-- "He kept trying to put the moves on me, but then again, I was the one without clothes on." (Woman on cell phone, overheard outside a ground-floor window by Paul Hamberis.)

-- "And I thought, 'Wow, she looks hot.' Then I realized I was looking at myself in a mirror." (Woman to friends, overheard across the street from Cole Coffee in Oakland by Derek McCulloch.)

-- "My grandfather found himself another woman." (Fourth-grader telling fellow Marin County carpoolers why he has an extra grandmother, overheard by Jill Sperber.)

-- "I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the world, 'cuz I keep running into these beautiful women with low self-esteem." (Guy to friends, overheard on the Alameda-Oakland ferry by Jennifer de Graaf.)

-- "Are you buying for a man or a woman?" (Man to man, shopping for Valentine's Day cards and overheard at Walgreens on Sansome by Ken Roberts.)

-- "High maintenance doesn't begin to cover it. Dump him." (Middle-aged woman shopper, examining coffee mugs and dishing out advice, overheard at Bristol Farms in San Francisco by Elizabeth Partridge.)

-- "He's so cheap, he could have gasoline dripping from his nipples and he still wouldn't drive his car across the bay to see me." (Woman in line at Noe Valley Bank of America, overheard by Dennis Gordon.).

-- "Yeah, he's addicted to love. But he's allergic to life." (Man discussing high school classmate, overheard at Thanksgiving dinner by Bruce Wodhams.)

-- "And then I saw that he had an aol.com e-mail address, and that pretty much settled that." (Punky young woman to friend, overheard at Naan n' Chutney in the lower Haight by Eric Kessell.)

-- "Dude, you can't give wine in a box to chicks." (Young gent to pal, overheard at the College Avenue Safeway in Oakland by Peter Shelton.)

-- "Well if she can't even say no to her siblings, how is she ever going to reject some jerk who has sex with cows?" (Woman standing in line at the Lumiere, overheard by Tosha Silver.)

-- "That's horrible. I would have spit right back at him!" (Woman on cell phone, overheard on Chestnut Street by Shirley Davalos.)

-- "Tell him if he says anything about last night, I'm never sleeping with his girlfriend again." (Woman on cell phone, overheard in parking lot of Kaiser Hospital in Redwood City by Capt. Harry.)

-- "He's a Sagittarius. That's why it took me so long to land him." (Woman to woman, overheard in Healdsburg Square by Carole Manners.)

-- "It's really hard to make major life changes and keep the same boyfriend." (Young woman on the 38-Geary, overheard by Steven Marker.)

-- "Babe, I just told you, I'm a hero, not a zero." (Man talking loudly on cell phone, overheard at 24th and Mission by Kristian Nergaard.)

-- "You should just be happy that I didn't break up with you." (Young man on cell phone, overheard at 18th and Castro by David Liebendorfer.)

-- "He was too mellow for even, like, sarcasm." (Young 20ish woman to companion, overheard at Pine and Montgomery by Robyn Todd.)

-- "No, Claire is my roommate. Kevin is my girlfriend." (Man to man, overheard at the elevators at 77 Beale by Vernon Jenkins.)

-- "My girlfriend is Russian, so does that mean it's OK to cheat on her?" (Man to man, overheard in an elevator by Ashly Russell.)

-- "I wouldn't care if he was cheating with a man or cheating with a woman. It's still cheating." (Woman to woman, overheard at 24-Hour Fitness in Vallejo by Sharon Silveira.)

-- "I never lie to you! I almost always tell the truth." (High school girl on cell phone to her boyfriend, overheard on Mission Street by Simon Blint.)

-- "Well, when I said I loved you ..." (Man on cell phone, overheard in Walgreens by Jean Tepper.)

-- "It was a little bit on the outer perimeter of my comfort zone." (One woman to another, overheard at a cafe in Sausalito by Clint Wilder.)

-- "By the way, I'm not with you." Woman to man, overheard on Solano Avenue in Berkeley by Jim Govek.)

-- "It's not that I don't like you. I'm just bored." (Teenage girl on cell phone, overheard at Target by Cliff Christensen.)

-- "He called me a stalker. I said, 'You don't know the difference between a stalker and love.' " (Young woman on cell phone on BART, overheard by Marilyn Miller.)

-- "She and I were going to break up a year ago, but there are dogs involved." (Man in his mid-30s, overheard on the chairlift at Sierra-at-Tahoe by Paul Baker.)

-- "I said to her, 'The relationship is over because I don't share your opinion of Terry Gross?' " (Young woman to young man, overheard at Lyon and Richardson by Libby Smith.)

-- "Don't you ever - ever! - buy me a steering wheel for Christmas. You'll be wearing it." (Woman to man, overheard at Mudd's restaurant in San Ramon by Steve Dimick.)

-- "It's not promiscuity, just an honest need for freedom." (Male cashier to bagger at Whole Foods in San Francisco, overheard by Linda and Ed Calhoun.)

-- "He was cheating on me with his fiancee!" (Angry young woman on cell phone, overheard in Antigua, Guatemala, by Graham Bell.)

-- "My ex-wife just canceled my Costco membership. Can you believe that? That's cold." (Man at Starbucks in Lafayette, heard by Andrew Moran.)

-- "I'm great. I mean, I feel great. I'm not great. I mean, I am great. Someone married me once. HE thought I was great. That was a long time ago." (Woman's detailed answer to the question, "How are you?" overheard in a San Anselmo coffee shop by Stan Sinberg.)

-- "And those weren't just your ordinary cigarette burns." (Young woman on Lakeshore Avenue in Oakland, overheard by Caryn Combis.)

-- "I remember you from the early part of the relationship when you had, like, this huge underbite." (Man embracing woman before getting into a taxi, overheard on 18th Street in the Mission District by E. Eastman.)

-- "Remember when the tree fell on that woman? That ruined that date." (Woman on cell phone, overheard in a Noe Valley bookstore, overheard by Steven Marker.)

-- "I was best man at her wedding." (Woman to friend, overheard at Caffe Delle Stelle by Jim Willenborg.)

-- "Have you ever actually serenaded a woman?" (Man to man, overheard at the Richmond Costco by Michele Accorsi.)

-- "You know what I like most about how far our relationship has come? We're both now equally greedy." (Man to woman, overheard in the parking lot of the North Berkeley Safeway by Kary Schulman.)

-- "He definitely is not for you. He is too nice." (Woman on cell phone at Foster City Costco, overheard by E. Baluyut.)

-- "He doesn't know what he's talking about (pause, sigh). I guess that's why I married him." (Middle-aged woman to friend, overheard at Trader Joe's in Westlake by Bill Gnoss.)