Control

I'm been thinking about control (does Janet Jackson's song instantly pop into your head? does for me) and how contradictory God's views of control is for us.

It's a big issue for me, wanting to have control over things in my life and feeling frustrated/stressed/overwhelmed when I feel out of control. Control, control, control. Wanting to know what's going to happen, with whom, when, what do I need for it... Hating when I feel out of control and like someone else is more powerful than me, making my decisions and I am powerless.

God has been saying lately two true and seemingly opposite things to me. That I am in control of my life. I make all my decisions. If I don't want to do something or be somewhere, I have the full ability to change it. Like leaving my job, for example. There isn't anything I'm not able to do or say no to, no one higher I have to answer to (well God of course but not another person) before I do something.

But also, at the same time, I cannot have control. Life is so messy and unplanned and more frustrating and inefficient than I ever thought. God telling me to let go, to be ok with how things turn out "wrong" and to have a wider margin of error. I realize I want to widen my expectations - not lower them which I think is having lower standards but widening them which is enlarging my expectation of what I think would be ok to happen.

And forgiving and letting go of what I wanted to happen.