in Your presence

A friend visiting this weekend uploaded the new Jason Upton cd and another artist to my iTunes. She's a great source for the latest good worship music and whenever she visits, I give her control of my computer to add stuff she thinks I'd like. She has great taste and I love what she puts on.

I listened to the Jason Upton cd this morning on the way to work (btw a really really beautiful sky again on 880S plus a lovely 43 minute drive) and cried some at a few of the songs. Perhaps I'm feeling emotional and a bit overwhelmed with decisions right now but also I just love the free spirit eight minute wandering worship tracks. I miss worship/prayer meetings that went on forever, praying and dwelling in His presence, being there, being still, being loud, napping (the best naps ever, in prayer mtgs, I highly recommend them). And JU's music reminds me of all that. His calling out for intimacy with God draws me in.

This one song "In Your presence" was about, well, being in God's presence and the freedom from all fear. As I listened and manuevered around slow cars and merged and paid toll on the San Mateo bridge, I thought about the latest episode of a TV show "Mad Men" that I just watched last night. It was tivo'd from last Thu but I lagged on watching on it. I was bummed to accidentally find out key details of what happened from websites. One reason I didn't rush to watch it was while it's a good show and they've been giving hints about a background mystery all season, each episode is not usually a huge revelation. But this one was and I wish I had watched it fresh.

MAJOR SPOILER for the AMC show "Mad Men:"

"Mad Men" is about people who work at an advertising firm in NY in 1960. There's a lot I could comment about the show but I'm just going to focus on one. The lead character Don Draper is white, tall, handsome, a successful executive, married with two kids, the one we love but also the very flawed broken man. All season, mostly through talking to his mistresses, we learn bits and pieces of Don's messed-up childhood: the son of a prostitute, he's adopted by his poor biological father and his wife in the country but enough to say, he is never treated as a real member of the family. He feels very rejected and goes into the Army during the Korean War. We see him receiving a Purple Heart for being a Lt. in the war. We see his brother tracking him down, calling him by a different name, and saying the family thought he was dead. Don painfully rejects him, giving him money to go away, but the brother kills himself over it. To almost everyone, Don is silent on his past and no one at the company or even his wife knows anything about his family or childhood.

Until this episode when a sneaky, power-hungry junior executive Pete Campbell discovers the truth when he steals a goodbye package the suicidal brother sent Don with photos and memorabilia. I don't like Pete at all and I don't think you're supposed to. He's only out for himself, treats his sometime mistress and new wife badly, and envies Don's success and even ease with people.

Pete has been asking for a promotion which Don refused to give him. Now using the info from the package, Pete has tracked down Don's secret or the bare facts of it and confronts him. "Don" was in the Korean War and when his army buddy died, Don traded dogtags and identities. He took on a new name, a new title of Lt. instead of Private, began a new life and most importantly was not linked to his horrible childhood even more. He started over.

Pete attempts to blackmail Don into giving him the promotion in exchange for the secret to remain hidden from the company. Don is careful and stands up to Pete without admitting anything or agreeing. Pete leaves without a decision to be made. Don really panics, goes straight to this mistress, and begs her to leave with him and start completely over in LA. She's excited but confused and after discussing the reality of it including leaving his children fatherless, she becomes angry and says the great line, "You don't want to run away with me. You just want to run away."

The suspense builds. I don't want Don to give Pete what he wants especially as he shows such underhanded methods but it feels like for Don to be revealed would be world-ending for him. He would be fired, family gone, and his old past would come up. The ugly past he tried so hard to escape from and deny. That he can't get away from, no matter how much he runs away.

In a great scene, Don comes into Pete's office and says, "I'm not going to run away. I won't let you hold this over my head. But you haven't thought this through." Pete says nervously, "Is this like in the movies when I have a gun but you don't think I'll use it? I'll shoot the gun, Don." All paraphrased quotes. Don starts walking intently and Pete rushes to catch up. The camera shows them heading for the president/partner Cooper's office. As Pete realizes where this is heading, he says, "Now?!" Good quotes continue until they're standing side-by-side in Cooper's office. Don now seems ready but afraid. He's ready for whatever comes. Pete seems shocked Don is taking it this far and not believing he is. Don says the first thing, an update about a new hire, to Cooper. Not what is expected. Cooper says ok then looks at Pete. Don looks at Pete. Pete's hesitant but decided to plunge forward because he believes he will triumph. "Don Draper, this man, is not who you think he is." He goes on to detail the identity switching. Don stands tall but is sweating. He just looks at his accuser, at his past all coming out despite his desperate efforts to hide it. He stands there as he is revealed, as he cannot hide behind his new name anymore. He waits for the worst.

Cooper stands up and slowly comes forward.

Cooper: Mr. [Pete] Campbell, who cares?
Campbell: Mr. Cooper, he's a fraud and a liar, a criminal even!
Cooper: Even if this were true, who cares? This country was built and run by men with worse stories than whatever you've imagined here.
Campbell: I'm not imagining anything!
Cooper: The Japanese have a saying, "A man is whatever room he is in," and right now Donald Draper is in this room. I assure you. There's no profit in forgetting this. I'd put your energy into bringing in accounts.

Then, after Campbell leaves, Cooper says, "Don, fire him if you want. But I'd keep an eye on him. One never knows how loyalty is born."

As I listened to the song "In Your Presence," I thought about this episode. About the climatic scene in Cooper's office where Don could not stop this schemey accuser so he decided to get it over with. Bring the truth out, to the boss, once and for all. No blackmail or hiding anymore. At least Cooper would know, the consequences would come, and Don would not be trapped by someone trying to bring him down. Most tv shows would enhance and lengthen the drama by letting Don agree to the blackmail but in this show, that's just not Don. And despite all his flaws, that's why we respect him.

And that's what it's like with God. I believe the enemy wants to tear us down, make us afraid to approach God, constantly whispering in our ear our shortcomings and inadequacies so that we are afraid of who we are, who we truly are, and want to avoid God. And we are blackmailed into not telling the truth, into shame, into avoiding others because we don't want our secrets out. The enemy taunts us about our past, about who we used to be, and holds it over our head.

But in His presence, as Cooper in the scene only barely represented a small glimpse of, is forgiveness and mercy. No harsh words or judgement but God's love and acceptance. What we hid, what we were so afraid to show, all our hurt places, in His presence we can give to Him. To finally let out in the light. No more darkness and hiding. But surrounded by God and accepted.